I am a person who is made up of pieces, pieces that no longer feel like their own.
I would like to return to that moment when I woke up in the room without thinking that I would eat the next day.
Since I was little I had a plan in which was going to be my future.
Go back when everything was easier.
At this moment the depression is owing me.
For 20 years, I have only dedicated myself to surviving and getting up the next day because I cannot let myself die.
For a long time, I drowned my sorrows in alcohol, food and numb my brain with illusions.
I have years that I do not dream, learned to continue without one.
I'm still working to survive another day.
My family was my everything, K was my happy.
Everything collapses around me and the only thing I wanted to do is throw everything down a spout.
My mom verbally and psychologically abused me, I heard so many times how little it meant and that it was worth nothing. The screaming was my breakfasts of the day and sometimes the way I went to bed. I still hear their screams in the distance.
As many times as I tried to hide my brother from our reality, I wanted so much that he did not suffer as I did when listening to my parents' fight at night, I always wanted to be his shield.
My mom made me so many times from my house because she wanted revenge on my dad for some reason that only she knows.
My dad eventually left with another family.
I fled to another country to not feel empty as I was here and always at the end I return.
I feel empty and alone here.
I have people who love and appreciate me, even so, I don't feel that space between my chest fill me.
I would like to go back to watch the NBA games with my dad, those World Cup finals alongside him, the conversations in the kitchen, our trips to the ranch and riding horses. Those moments that will not return.
I would like to return to my grandmother's house, to see her in the rocking chair watching Pedro Infante movies, to hear her call me.
I would like to be innocent again and have faith that everything is for the better.
I would like to wake up hearing my dad call me.
But tomorrow I'm going to wake up in this empty bed hugging the pillows longing for something that won't happen.
I would like to return to that moment when I woke up in the room without thinking that I would eat the next day.
Since I was little I had a plan in which was going to be my future.
Go back when everything was easier.
At this moment the depression is owing me.
For 20 years, I have only dedicated myself to surviving and getting up the next day because I cannot let myself die.
For a long time, I drowned my sorrows in alcohol, food and numb my brain with illusions.
I have years that I do not dream, learned to continue without one.
I'm still working to survive another day.
My family was my everything, K was my happy.
Everything collapses around me and the only thing I wanted to do is throw everything down a spout.
My mom verbally and psychologically abused me, I heard so many times how little it meant and that it was worth nothing. The screaming was my breakfasts of the day and sometimes the way I went to bed. I still hear their screams in the distance.
As many times as I tried to hide my brother from our reality, I wanted so much that he did not suffer as I did when listening to my parents' fight at night, I always wanted to be his shield.
My mom made me so many times from my house because she wanted revenge on my dad for some reason that only she knows.
My dad eventually left with another family.
I fled to another country to not feel empty as I was here and always at the end I return.
I feel empty and alone here.
I have people who love and appreciate me, even so, I don't feel that space between my chest fill me.
I would like to go back to watch the NBA games with my dad, those World Cup finals alongside him, the conversations in the kitchen, our trips to the ranch and riding horses. Those moments that will not return.
I would like to return to my grandmother's house, to see her in the rocking chair watching Pedro Infante movies, to hear her call me.
I would like to be innocent again and have faith that everything is for the better.
I would like to wake up hearing my dad call me.
But tomorrow I'm going to wake up in this empty bed hugging the pillows longing for something that won't happen.
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