Un diario dislexico

Why am I needing to feel sad or upset or hurt or something? Why do you think that I am hurt by your actions? I know you expect something from me but I don't feel like it. I am being for days waiting for the tears to come but nothing.... I need my piece of mind, I know what I mean and everything that you want me to do.  God knows best and he made the right choice for me. The lord is always here to help me and I will follow his path.  Here I am being a part his plan, working to find my new place and path because this is a great year and the first one of the rest of my life... 

No se como sentirme No se que hacer  No tengo nada planeado  Como se tiene que hacer esto?  No quiero encerrarme pero no me siento bien  Tengo un gran vacío y me siento incomoda,  No tengo responsabilidades,  No tengo idea que voy a hacer mañana,  O la próxima semana,  O la siguiente....  Mi instinto dice que tengo que uir... 

Changes are made by God God knows why he took that decision  He knows better 

I want the wall to echo my crying I am alive Why my family deale with me as i am not alive Do you think i die the same tat my mom run away from this country? I am alive Are you guilty because you let her did with us whatever she wanted? Yes, you did!!! You let her diminish me I still breathing This pain is telling me i still alive She hated me and you let her punish me with her words and hands, I am alive, barely alive.... Did i do something wrong with all of you? I am being punished because i am her daughter.... I am alive.......... And you still waiting for me to reach you and apologies for everything she did to you... I did not ask to be here... this hole is not where i want to be... Still, you envy me because you think i am happy.... And the only thing i did it was survived.... Repeating to myself every day: tomorrow will be better, next year we will be happy, we will be able to run away to our happy place... because of we still alive.... we still breathing.... R...

Sueño con tener tiempo para mi Sueño con no añorar lo que no fue y nunca va a ser  Sueño con ester en paz por primera vez en mucho tiempo  Sueño con poder ser yo y no tener que aparentar ser alguien más Sueño con ese día que pueda respirar y sentirme yo, sin ansiedad sin miedo a estar sola sin esperar nada de ti Sueño que quiero vivir un día  No quiero dejar de soñar  No quiero dejar de pensar en ti  No guardo rencor a nadie  Solo quiero vivir en paz Pero donde la puedo encontrar? 

When the death of one is the begging of others Why am i waiting for your last words of comfort? I want to get that last letter to ask me to happy and healthy, To read that you missed me as much I missed you. My question is why i am not able to stop thinking about it? Why i need this assurance that you love me and missed me? I hate myself because I still waiting for it... Sometimes i have scares in my skin, i poked them and open them again. I dont know why.... maybe in that way the pain is able to run out of my body... I want to cry out loud and find a purpose in my life, At this moment, my only reason is to show them that i am able to survive alone... That i don't need them.. But i do need my dad, my brother and my grandma...

Tengo dias de estar tratando de encontrar las palabras para describirme, para sentirme comoda, quiero saber que es lo siento, me doy vuelta en la cama millones de veces sin encontrarle sentido a nada, en esos momento que todo tiene sentido y nada lo tiene a la vez. Me quiero sentir bien, y no se como comenzar a escribir todas las cosas que vienen a mi, soy presionera de las decisiones que tome en un momento de impulso, necesito reconocer que no soy feliz y que solo estoy pesando los dias sin ningun motivo mas alla que solo sobrevivir, tener una familia ha dejado de ser una opcion en mi lista. Quiero organizar mi cabeza, que es lo que quiero expresar y lo que quiero.. Cuando trato de entender cada una de las decisiones que mi mama tomo durante su matrimonio, todo lo que mi papa aguanto de ella, sin excluir lo que ella le aguanto a el tambien.. Todos esos momentos que los vi pelear como si no habia mañana, que todo iba a teminar, que la familia no era importante para ella, lo ...

Sadness is not part of that world, I am able to see them dancing around, With a smile in their faces, When my black and hurt heart is crying inside, The face of a strong person I need to sale I know how much we were hurt But you know who you are I am crossing a field of doubts to find you I know your name and this is not who you are. I try to be what they want from me, from us..... Everyone is happy, Why are we not able to find a happy place? Has it died when my dad passed away?

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” (Lao Tzu)

A veces me pregunto si la imagen que tengo yo en la cabeza sobre mi papa es real al final o no, o solo es una imagen, qeu segun mi mama, ella impuso en nuestra cabeza. Pero si es una ilusion, porque no puedo ver y salir de ella? Tampoco creo estar tan equivocada, Jamas he dicho o pensado que era perfecto o que no tuviese defectos, porque si los tuvo, Sera que me cuesta ver la realidad y el no era esa imagen de hombre recto, impecable, intachable...

No veo el dia en que me duelas menos, Cada dia me pesas mas, Los dias se me hacen tan largos y ya no encuentro excusas para no recordarte, No veo el dia en que nos volvamos a encontrar, Las lagrimas me corren por la mejias sin poderlas controlar, Cada palabra que sale de mi boca me hace recordarte, Cada desicion que tomo me hace pensarte, No veo el dia en que no te recuerde mas, Me hiceron pensar en lo mucho que vales para mi este fin de semana,  Con un nudo en la garganta, no quise aceptar que recodarte me dueles mas cada dia, No veo el dia en que no recuerde tu voz, Te recuerdo tan vivamente, acarcio tu cabello gris y tomo tu mano, Ese recuerdo, ese instante se siento como si tuviera un alfiler penetranto mi corazon Mi garganta se cierra como si alguien me sugetara, que el aire no puede entrar ni salir, Me pesa el cuerpo, se me cierra la mente y lo unico que quiero es hecharme a dormir, Dejarme morir..... Ocultarme.... Huir..... Salir corriendo de mi realidad.... P...

Scared of myself Scared of the reasons why I am not able to see the world Scared of the time I have a question about the changes Scared to be in the middle of my life and I don't want to be here without you Scared me out and I don't know if you want to continue with our relationship I am working on it and I will be up for it I am scared of the reasons why I am asking for help My life is not a great place When I was a child, I remember I had great times Now I don't know when I will be able to have a great day,  Or it is OK not to have them at all 

I'm an iceberg There's so much more that your eyes can't see Two girls walk into a party The one that gets noticed isn't me I'm holding on But barely, plagued by teenage popularity It's a terrible feeling being the ghost on the wall That's always disappearing 'Cause I wanna be somebody to someone But it all is starting to blur like a dream Burn the sash and smash that tiara No that's not me I'll never be prom queen I'm wandering I weave my way But dancing in hopes that the cool kids will ask me to stay I'm invisible to bright lights Just standing on the side line waiting for a standing ovation That I know just isn't mine 'Cause I wanna be somebody to someone But it all is starting to blur like a dream Burn the sash and smash that tiara No that's not me I'll never be prom queen No that's not me I'll never be prom queen It's okay, it's okay I'll convince myself it's overrate...

It is in the small things we see it. The child's first step, as awesome as an earthquake. The first time you rode a bike, wallowing up the sidewalk. The first spanking when your heart went on a journey all alone. When they called you crybaby or poor or fatty or crazy and made you into an alien, you drank their acid and concealed it. Later, if you faced the death of bombs and bullets you did not do it with a banner, you did it with only a hat to comver your heart. You did not fondle the weakness inside you though it was there. Your courage was a small coal that you kept swallowing. If your buddy saved you and died himself in so doing, then his courage was not courage, it was love; love as simple as shaving soap. Later, if you have endured a great despair, then you did it alone, getting a transfusion from the fire, picking the scabs off your heart, then wringing it out like a sock. Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow, you gave it a back rub and then you covered it with a bla...

Struggle coming here, It is a victory being here, Not really... I don't want to be here... I don't want to recognize that he passed away... I am able to find him in the supermarket... In my mind, he still around This week someone asks me to think about the saddess moment in my life and the only thing came to my mind, you in the hospital bed. Our last conversation, our last laughs, our last hug... Daddy, I miss you so much, I wish to have you around for more time, I lose you for 19 years and for one week, only for one week I was able to meet you again... I am not able to be selfish...I wish you the best and I know it was the best for you...but not for my heart and my mind.... I am keeping the mask, my frustration, my pain.... I don't want to feel sorry for my self, I feel like a needle go in my heart and I need to protect it every single time because it is not possible to think I am so stupid to believe you will come back. You will not be able to be at my weddin...

Cuantos pedasos tengo que recoger para sentirme completa otra vez...

El zorro se calló y miró largamente al principito: - Por favor... domestícame ! – dijo. - Me parece bien – respondió el principito -, pero no tengo mucho tiempo. Tengo que encontrar amigos y conocer muchas cosas. - Sólo se conoce lo que uno domestica – dijo el zorro. – Los hombres ya no tienen más tiempo de conocer nada. Compran cosas ya hechas a los comerciantes. Pero como no existen comerciantes de amigos, los hombres no tienen más amigos. Si quieres un amigo, domestícame ! - Qué hay que hacer ? – dijo el principito. - Hay que ser muy paciente – respondió el zorro. – Te sentarás al principio más bien lejos de mí, así, en la hierba. Yo te miraré de reojo y no dirás nada. El lenguaje es fuente de malentendidos. Pero cada día podrás sentarte un poco más cerca... Al día siguiente el principito regresó. - Hubiese sido mejor regresar a la misma hora – dijo el zorro. – Si vienes, por ejemplo, a las cuatro de la tarde, ya desde las tres comenzaré a estar feliz. Cuanto más avance la h...

Her face is sad No expressions Nothing about her is real She functions because it is what they expect from her She is shelling inside The emotions are reflected in her eyes She needs to work She does not want to be here She wants to hide She needs time to grief but she doesn't know how It is not possible for her today and maybe not even possible tomorrow What is she able to do it? If other people see her to strong but she is falling in apart from the grief and doesn't want to be He doesn't belong to her anymore But he is a very important person who loves her She misses him She is selfish because she needs his hug at least one more time to be able to say a proper goodbye

I heard that the most beautiful thing could happen to you is to hug who you love and he or she hungs you back, embrace you in a bear hug. I miss you dad, I miss your hugs I miss you

Hoy es el primer día que he decidido escribirte, se oye al fondo la lluvia caer y siento que esta lava mis más oscuros pensamientos. Se que donde estas tal vez no vas a poder leer todo lo que te escribo, quisiera que me hicieras saber que es lo contrario. Quisiera a veces recordar cada uno de los buenos momentos junto a ti, cada abrazo que se hubiese quedado impregnado en mi memoria y esa sensación de confort en el momento que me tenias en tus brazos. Recuerdo con ternura estar en cama con ustedes a la par y yo con mi abrazando tu pecho. Esa era uno de mis puestos favoritos para ver televisión, estando cerca de ti. El tiempo pasaba lento, el silencio entre nosotros y el ruido de la televisión. Como he añorado tus abrazos estos años, esas caricias en la cara, la sonrisa a medias (porque siempre sospechabas que algo andaba tramando), que me frotaras el cabello lentamente y sostener tu mano por un rato mientras hablamos. No ando buscando un reemplazo,...

He got a new life A new begging A new moment in time A new family He was able to enjoy everything that I was not able to give him A moment with his love ones Experience a new love A new man A man without regrets He never looked back Maybe he missed me I know he was in a better place  He was happier with her 

Te da vueltas en la cabeza no saber si estas respirando o simplemente estas conectada a una maquina que te hace respirar, que todo lo que esta pasando es en tu cabeza. Sera que me voy a despertar en el momento menos inesperado y me de cuenta que si encerrada debajo de mis sabanas; que en cualquier momento voy a escuchar a mi papá tocar la puerta para alistarme pues tengo clases en el colegio. No se que seria peor, mas doloroso para mi corazon. Estare encerrada entre 4 paredes ls cuales no tengo ninguna salida, estoy en realidad encerrada.... estoy enterrada en este tierra arrida, pero yo se que sigo respirando, se que estoy viva, se que he sobrevivido a todo esto para que me digan que todo esto es parte de imaginacion, estoy respirando, mis pulmones se muerven, mis manos tocan mi rostro, se que sigo respirando, se que estoy viva... sigo vivaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... que diablos pasa, que se estoy viva, que estoy escribiendo, que logre sobrevivir cada una de las caidas, cad...

Step 1: The question is who am I? The question that thought it was answered before I don't have a reason to answer that question before, maybe I never try to know the true answer to it. I am so scared to know the answer. Who do you think I am? I can not believe that at this time in my life, I am asking myself that question...

I found out everything will change Nothing will be the same and no second changes will be made I hate to recognize that we are totally different from what we have thought before. Every time I remember your face, our story is different and I made it clear and funnier, also I sold us like a funcional couple. Even in our reality is not the truth and we were so different, we knew we weren't not be long this far. I will say once again, I used to love you for the way we felt or the way you made me felt for the first time because I never thought I was so needed in affection and care. But we are not able to see the truth about our fate.... We were not to be together since the beginning or at all....