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Therapy

Struggle coming here,
It is a victory being here,
Not really...
I don't want to be here...
I don't want to recognize that he passed away...
I am able to find him in the supermarket...
In my mind, he still around

This week someone asks me to think about the saddess moment in my life and the only thing came to my mind, you in the hospital bed. Our last conversation, our last laughs, our last hug...

Daddy, I miss you so much, I wish to have you around for more time, I lose you for 19 years and for one week, only for one week I was able to meet you again... I am not able to be selfish...I wish you the best and I know it was the best for you...but not for my heart and my mind....

I am keeping the mask, my frustration, my pain....
I don't want to feel sorry for my self, I feel like a needle go in my heart and I need to protect it every single time because it is not possible to think I am so stupid to believe you will come back. You will not be able to be at my wedding, one of the reasons why I don't want to try to find someone to be with... I come to me and save me, I am hiding from everything even from my demons... I am not able to run away anymore... I am still scared of my own emotions.

F... the reality to be alone, even if you hear people around, people tried to get closer but I still push them away because I don't F..k deserve someone around me. If they leaved, my mom and dad, why other people want to be with me...

Why try to eat every single emotion?
Why do I try to drown my emotion?
I need to stop but I don't know how...
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